“After all this time?”

“People say don’t live in the past
Live each day like it’s your last
But we should try it in reverse
Live each day like it’s our first
I believe this is
Precious time
I believe you are
One of a kind…”

Sim Redmond Band. Lyrics to a song called “Pink Guitar,” which is featured on their Live at Grassroots album.

We danced until sunrise, then slept until nine.

Later that day, we experienced the eminently foreseeable consequences of that choice

“Sleep deprivation is a one way ticket to temporary psychosis, and I’m working on a three day lag.”

Special Agent Dale Cooper, Federal Bureau of Investigation.

.

Twin Peaks. Episode 1, Season 2. Written and directed by Mark Frost and David Lynch.

“I want you to stay
‘Til I’m in the grave
‘Til I rot away, dead and buried
‘Til I’m in the casket you carry

If you go, I’m going too
‘Cause it was always you, alright
And if I’m turning blue, please don’t save me
Nothing left to lose without my baby

Birds of a feather, we should stick together, I know
I said I’d never think I wasn’t better alone
Can’t change the weather, might not be forever
But if it’s forever, it’s even better

And I don’t know what I’m crying for
I don’t think I could love you more
It might not be long, but baby, I

I’ll love you ’til the day that I die
‘Til the day that I die
‘Til the light leaves my eyes
‘Til the day that I die

I want you to see
How you look to me
You wouldn’t believe if I told ya
You would keep the compliments I throw ya

But you’re so full of shit
Tell me it’s a bit
Say you don’t see it, your mind’s polluted
Say you wanna quit, don’t be stupid

And I don’t know what I’m crying for
I don’t think I could love you more
Might not be long, but baby, I
Don’t wanna say goodbye

Birds of a feather, we should stick together, I know (’til the day that I die)
I said I’d never think I wasn’t better alone (’til the light leaves my eyes)
Can’t change the weather, might not be forever (’til the day that I die)
But if it’s forever, it’s even better

I knew you in another life
You had that same look in your eyes
I love you, don’t act so surprised…”

_

Lyrics to the song “BIRDS OF A FEATHER,” by Billie Eilish. From the “HIT ME HARD AND SOFT” album, released by Darkroom Records in 2024.

_

for A.L., specifically.

there are people who find it easy to blame others for their trauma and then there are people who will never be able to see themselves as victims because they are too busy protecting people who were supposed to love them

One thing you should know about me is that I did not understand the punchline of that “why did the chicken cross the road?” joke until I was over 25 years old.

And what you also have to keep in mind about me is that this person who didn’t get the punchline of that joke for so many years is the same person who traveled alone in eastern Europe for ages and did nothing but visit museums the entire time. Sang in the choir, ran the mile with a better than average time. Graduated high school with honors, earned two college degrees with a perfectly respectable GPA. Honors studies scholar, teaching assistant, research assistant, completed an independent study which was the closest I ever got to an honors thesis. Didn’t smoke, barely ever drank. Worked my way through college. Earned scholarships. Did not accumulate student loans. Did not break any of the rules, not for years – though my life got easier and less painful when I decided that there were some rules that I could allow myself to break. Stayed pretty healthy, at least physically. Spent most of my time convinced I wasn’t pretty and that therefore I was safe. Enjoyed reading constantly. Tried to be kind, even when I wasn’t.

But I didn’t get the joke. Not for years.

Lord help me.

y’all ever flirt with someone who is definitely out of your league?

(this does not seem to you like a self depracating judgement, just a fact.)

you know, for fun, because you know nothing is going to happen.

and then they start flirting back?

and some time later you are quietly reading and drinking coffee with that person in the morning,

unsure how exactly you got there, but feeling happy

having made a cautious decision not to question the way everything worked out

and then you decide to ask them this same question, as an experiment. sotto voce.

and they smile and they say “yeah, well, that’s how I felt about flirting with you.”

“You will have to go through me.”

“Yes, I understand that every life must end
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go
Oh I’m a lucky man, to count on both hands
The ones I love

Some folks just have one,
Yeah, others, they’ve got none

Stay with me,
Let’s just breathe.

Practiced are my sins,
Never gonna let me win
Under everything, just another human being
Yeah, I don’t wanna hurt her, there’s so much in this world
To make me believe.

Stay with me,
You’re all I see.

Did I say that I need you?
Did I say that I want you?
Oh, if I didn’t I’m a fool you see,
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean.

I wonder everyday
As I look upon your face
Everything you gave
And nothing you would take
Nothing you would take
Everything you gave

Did I say that I need you?
Oh, did I say that I want you?
Or if I didn’t I’m a fool you see,
No one knows this more than me.
As I come clean

Nothing you would take,
Everything you gave.
Love you till I die,
Meet you on the other side.”

Willie Nelson, featuring his son Lukas Nelson. Lyrics of the song “Just Breathe,” from the Heroes album. 2012.

“Ready to follow Captain America into the jaws of death?”

“No. That little guy from Brooklyn who was too dumb to run away from a fight. I’m following him.”

Ew, cortisol.

Hello, insomnia. Hello, panique attáques. I fucking hate this

(1) We have lots of it

(2) This is something that we know

(3) This is something we can use

(4) This is something we know that we can use. Even if we aren’t sure how

(5) We can and will use power in ways that other people will not like. Crucially, this is not a bad thing.

(6) We can use power in ways that protect ourselves and our loved ones. It is often the case that we should.

(7) We are powerful enough to hurt other people, whether or not they have done anything to “deserve” being hurt. We can hurt others, even if we didn’t mean for that to happen, even if we did mean for that to happen.

(8) The way we use our power is something that matters

(9) There are people who will try to treat us as if we are powerless

(10) Those people are wrong.

Today I asked Steve Rogers if he would still love me if I was a worm and he immediately said “no.” He realized he might have made a mistake when he saw the slightly crestfallen expression on my face so he started backpedaling, asking clarifying questions like “in this scenario were you always a worm or did you transform into a worm? Were you there all along but then you disappeared and in that instant a worm popped into existance to take your place? What are the metaphysical implications for personal identity in this instance -” and I had to kiss him on the mouth to get him to shut up

“For a while there, it was rough
But lately, I’ve been doin’ better
Than the last four cold Decembers
I recall

And I see my family every month
I found a girl my parents love
She’ll come and stay the night
And I think I might have it all

And I thank god every day
For the girl she sent my way
But I know the things she gives me
She can take away

And I hold you every night
And that’s a feeling I wanna get used to
But there’s no man as terrified
As the man who stands to lose you

Oh, I hope I don’t lose you
Mm

Please stay
I want you, I need you, oh God
Don’t take
These beautiful things that I’ve got

Please stay
I want you, I need you, oh God
Don’t take
These beautiful things that I’ve got

Oh-oh-oh-oh
Ooh
Please don’t take

I found my mind, I’m feelin’ sane
It’s been a while, but I’m finding my faith
If everything’s good and it’s great
Why do I sit and wait ’til it’s gone?

Oh, I’ll tell ya, I know I’ve got enough
I’ve got peace and I’ve got love
But I’m up at night thinkin’
I just might lose it all

Please stay
I want you, I need you, oh God
Don’t take
These beautiful things that I’ve got

Oh-oh-oh-oh
Ooh
Please stay
I want you, I need you, oh God
I need
These beautiful things that I’ve got…”

Benson Boone. Lyrics of the song “Beautiful Things.” Released as a single by Night Street Records/Warner Records on January 18th, 2024.

“I was stopped in London when I felt it coming down
Crashing all around me with a great triumphant sound
Like the dam was breaking and my mind came rushing in
I was stopped in London, oh, I was awakening
I was

I was o’er in Paris when I almost ran away
Two times round the block before I decided to stay
Puffed along a cigarette that went and made me sick
Spent another day pretending I was over it

This time, I know I’m fighting
This time, I know I’m back in my body
This time, I know I’m fighting
This time, I know I’m back in my body
I’m back in my body

And all along the highway there’s a tiny whispering sound
Saying I could find you in the dark of any town
But all that I am hearing in the poem of my mind
Are sullen, twisted words finding their way in every line

Oh, this time, oh, this time

This time, I know I’m fighting
This time, I know I’m back in my body
This time, I know I’m fighting
This time, I know I’m back in my body

Lost you in the border town of anywhere
I found myself when I was going everywhere
This time, I know I’m fighting
This time, I know I’m

Back in my body…”

Maggie Rogers. Lyrics of the song “Back In My Body” which was track 12 on the album Heard It In A Past Life. Capitol Records, 2019.