“What are you, some kind of caterpillar or something?”

This was meant as an insult, or at least as a joke. The speaker seems alarmed when I don’t laugh it off, or cringe, or take offense.

“Maybe,” I tell him.

people freak out about age gaps in relationships because aaaaahhhhhhh Power Differential and like yeah but actually what is mostly going on is that the man has a List Of Movies You Haven’t Seen Before because there are some References You Didn’t Get and the way he responds to the experience of watching you not get the reference is to have a LIST because this is the only way he can fend off the crippling existential horrors

More attunement to one’s partner in every relationship no matter what kind of relationship exists. More attention paid to what is okay with them and what is not okay with them. More curtosey. More attentive listening to all forms of communication from the other and from the self, be it tone of voice or body language cues or spoken words… from the subtle hint that is afraid to offend to the kind of clear and direct communication which can’t afford to care how it will affect the other. More checking in. More reaching out and being brave and asking for what you’d like without insisting upon a particular response. More remembering small things. More taking ownership of desires. More smart decisions about when to indulge desires and when not to do that. More trust. More respect for other people’s autonomy, their sacred capacity for self governance. More consideration for the liberty of people who are not clearly autonomous yet or anymore. More connection that doesn’t break the instant you can’t give someone what they appear to want from you. More connection strong enough to withstand rejection or different expectations. More repairing beloved connections when they get damaged instead of throwing them away. More showing up for the ones you care for whenever you can. More showing up for yourself. More clear discernment between when it’s time to walk away and when it’s worth staying. More feeling safe to speak up; more knowing when it isn’t. More connections where speaking up is safe. More concern for the safety and comfort of other people. More stopping to check in with the person who is with you if they appear to be upset. More quiet forgiveness and letting it go and moving on. More knowing what not to ever, ever forgive. More slowing down or stopping or changing what you’re doing if and when it appears that a boundary has been crossed (which is probably an inevitable thing that happens in many relationships, but it’s not about never making a mistake it’s about how you respond in the aftermath). More understanding for the other person. More understanding of yourself. More not needing to understand. More willingness to risk upsetting people by telling them no. More receiving a no without needing to make it about you. More of the truth. More respect for privacy and dignity and sovereinty. More vulnerability. More grief. More healing and recovery. More access to the resources necessary to heal so that there can be more healing. More attentive love.

.

I don’t write explicitly about experiences of interpersonal violation on this blog. This is not up for debate. Probably never going to elaborate as to why because I don’t want to talk about it.

.

maybe it helps me to focus on how to love well or what I wish love could be instead of ruminating over instances where there was no love at all

Free Palestine.

“In my mind, in a future five years from now
I’m a hundred and twenty pounds
And I never get hung over, because I
Will be the picture of discipline
Never minding what state I’m in
And I will be someone I admire

And it’s funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I’ve just forgotten how to see
That I’m not exactly the person that I thought I’d be

And in my mind, in the faraway here and now
I’ve become in control somehow
And I never lose my wallet, because I
Will be the picture of discipline
Never fucking up anything
And I’ll be a good defensive driver

And it’s funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I’ve just forgotten how to see
That I’ll never be the person that I thought I’d be

And in my mind, when I’m old I am beautiful
Planting tulips and vegetables
Which I will mindfully watch over, not like me now
I’m so busy with everything
That I don’t look at anything
But I’m sure I’ll look when I am older

And it’s funny how I imagined that I could be that person now
But that’s not what I want, but that’s what I wanted
And I’d be giving up somehow, how strange to see
That I don’t wanna be the person that I want to be

And in my mind
I imagine so many things
Things that aren’t really happening
And when they put me in the ground, I’ll start
Pounding the lid
Saying I haven’t finished yet
I still have a tattoo to get
That says I’m living in the moment

And it’s funny how I imagined that I could win this, win this fight
But maybe it isn’t all that funny
That I’ve been fighting all my life
But maybe I have to think it’s funny
If I wanna live before I die
And maybe it’s funniest of all
To think I’ll die before I actually see
That I am exactly the person that I’d want to be

Fuck yes
I am exactly the person that I want to be…”

Amanda Palmer. “In my mind.” Amanda Palmer Goes Down Under. January 21, 2011.

Bandcamp link: https://amandapalmer.bandcamp.com/track/in-my-mind-feat-brian-viglione

Home. Made the autonomous decision to have a helpful but also extremely painful medical procedure done this morning. Hurt like a son of a gun. Felt more than a little invasive and vulnerable, but the medical practitioners were respectful and kind towards me. Still in a lot of pain.

Currently being treated like a prince because I have earned that. Distracting myself with treats – iced latte, lemon danish for tomorrow, truly absurd but wonderful amount of sushi – alaska roll, salmon nigiri, kiwi king salmon roll. It’s helping.

Am curled up on the couch in sweatpants and a bathrobe, cradling a hot water bottle. The pain sharpens the mental state significantly, I think because the pain is keeping me stuck in the present moment – it’s so loud I can’t focus on my own thoughts enough to get swept up in the spirals, which has the interesting effect of helping me stay calm. But I already knew about this.

Hoping I can focus enough to read a book or watch a show. Might honestly be easier to distract myself with a podcast and a video game.

Then again the pain is making me so tired that I might be able to sleep.

Wearing moss agate earrings and listening to Maggie Rogers.

Took a ride in the back of a taxi cab. Got drunk on a martini in a hotel bar.

Attended a philosophy conference – listened, asked questions, discussed the strength of arguments or the implications of claims. Topics of colloquiums and symposiums included autonomy (especially temporal), personal identity and survival, what we owe the dead, pacifism as war abolition, political philosophy of social movements, the political epistemology network (with talks on epistemic encroachment on political normativity, and also hidden content moderation), buddhist illusionism, epistemology and social identity (which included an inquiry as to whether experiencing oppression can provide a unique epistemic advantage), the epistemology of resistance, the language of queer hookups – including a careful analysis of the definitions of words in the vocabulary surrounding sexual orientation and a bright and colorful and sexy presentation called “how to fuck with words.”

Mingled and engaged in shameless people watching among a crowd of drunk philosophers from all over the world in a hotel ballroom in the evening. Caught a glimpse of a well known author of a textbook for philosophy of mind, agreed he was very good looking in person. There were people here from all over the world. Steve was shamelessly checked out by a good looking guy who walked by our table like three times before he finally asked if he could sit down and then pretended to read a book so he could eavesdrop on our conversation. He then proceeded to turn up at the “top, switch, bottom” symposium and then like lean against the doorframe and try really hard not to look at Steve. It was cute. I get it.

Listened to street musicians in a subway station and accidentally got on the wrong train. Visited the Metropolitan Museum of Art. Could have spent days in the Ancient Egyptian exhibit. Took the bus when it was too cold to walk. Strolled down a street adjacent to Central Park. Navigated the streets of Manhattan via NYC’s useful coordinate numbering system but still felt overwhelmed and turned around and like it would be so easy to get lost. Stood in Times Square and looked up. Enjoyed live musical theater on Broadway. Bought a magnet featuring Van Gogh’s Starry Night from the gift shop at the Museum of Modern Art. Invited friends we hadn’t seen in way too long back to the hotel room and had the chance to visit and talk and sing. May have smuggled them into the conference for a session or two. Ate a bagel and drank an iced coffee in the café and talked about ideas. Picked up some naan and falafel and rice from the Halal Guys food truck. Ate fried noodles and steamed buns and a tea egg and scallion pancakes from “Real Kung Fu Little Steamed Buns Ramen” but also later on we tried just “Kung Fu Little Steamed Buns Ramen,” just to see if there was a difference.

Got ourselves some pizza in New York.

After a long day of sitting still and listening to other people speak, and then spending time being social – both of which were lovely, and both of which take energy in their own way – it felt nice to walk down to the fitness center and get a workout in. If I lived within walking distance of a fitness center it would really change my life. I would be there all the time. I would quickly become the strongest person you know.

It was just some exploratory weight lifting followed by some time on the bike and some time on a rowing machine. But it helped me.

I needed that.

long day

tired girl

sad song

big world

good times

homesick

heavy eyes

neat trick

thick thighs

class war

earrings, pearls

corner store

city lights

pretty view

sleepless nights

missing you

soft glow

patterned rug

our show

big hug

cold glass

forehead

stay true

instead

My first experience of NYC is almost an hour in a taxi on the way from the JFK airport to Times Square in Manhattan. My first view of the New York City skyline out of the windshield of a taxi took my breath away.

God I hate being told what to do.

“Does it help?” I ask.

We are closing the restaurant. It has been a long day.

“Does what help?”

“The, ah – yelling and swearing about all of your frustrations, at nobody in particular, in a mostly empty room. Slamming doors. Throwing things.”

“I mean, yeah. It helps.”

“Okay, good. Carry on.”

New year’s resolutions

• Never miss a day of language learning practice. If I am deep in the woods with no cell service, I will grudgingly resort to climbing a nearby mountain or tree so that I can get service and do my Duolingo up there. The attitude towards learning should be one of devotion rather than obligation.
• Stay strong, physically. Consistent weight lifting and calisthenics, time on a bike, walks. Situps n’ pushups every morning upon waking and every evening before bed. Climbing.
• Write
• Show up for friendships/connections consistently. Try to be understanding and have a sense of humor. Listen well. Be present. Trust as much as possible, which is a challenging thing to do.
• Brush teeth, wash hair and face, make bed, get to work on time. “Every day is all we have.”
• Do the pasta quest
• I have got to get weirder. I have got to read and write weirder stuff that breaks more taboos and subverts more expectations. This is usually the best art anyway.
• Gain 20lbs of pure thigh muscle. Go up a pants size.
• Go slightly feral and do mushrooms by myself in a hammock in the woods which is not something I have ever done before and which would certainly not have been a transformative experience for me even if I had fallen out of the hammock onto a forest floor covered in poison ivy in the summer while I was actively hallucinating and then written a tiny manifesto about how to be properly in love with people who aren’t mine
• I want to dye my hair blue, and then let it fade to green.
• Drink black coffee
• Eat vegetables. Start the tradition of baby carrots before every meal. Because they are delicious.
• Play some music. Make some songs.
• Put my phone away and go to sleep on time or maybe read a book