More attunement to one’s partner in every relationship no matter what kind of relationship exists. More attention paid to what is okay with them and what is not okay with them. More curtosey. More attentive listening to all forms of communication from the other and from the self, be it tone of voice or body language cues or spoken words… from the subtle hint that is afraid to offend to the kind of clear and direct communication which can’t afford to care how it will affect the other. More checking in. More reaching out and being brave and asking for what you’d like without insisting upon a particular response. More remembering small things. More taking ownership of desires. More smart decisions about when to indulge desires and when not to do that. More trust. More respect for other people’s autonomy, their sacred capacity for self governance. More consideration for the liberty of people who are not clearly autonomous yet or anymore. More connection that doesn’t break the instant you can’t give someone what they appear to want from you. More connection strong enough to withstand rejection or different expectations. More repairing beloved connections when they get damaged instead of throwing them away. More showing up for the ones you care for whenever you can. More showing up for yourself. More clear discernment between when it’s time to walk away and when it’s worth staying. More feeling safe to speak up; more knowing when it isn’t. More connections where speaking up is safe. More concern for the safety and comfort of other people. More stopping to check in with the person who is with you if they appear to be upset. More quiet forgiveness and letting it go and moving on. More knowing what not to ever, ever forgive. More slowing down or stopping or changing what you’re doing if and when it appears that a boundary has been crossed (which is probably an inevitable thing that happens in many relationships, but it’s not about never making a mistake it’s about how you respond in the aftermath). More understanding for the other person. More understanding of yourself. More not needing to understand. More willingness to risk upsetting people by telling them no. More receiving a no without needing to make it about you. More of the truth. More respect for privacy and dignity and sovereinty. More vulnerability. More grief. More healing and recovery. More access to the resources necessary to heal so that there can be more healing. More attentive love.
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I don’t write explicitly about experiences of interpersonal violation on this blog. This is not up for debate. Probably never going to elaborate as to why because I don’t want to talk about it.
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maybe it helps me to focus on how to love well or what I wish love could be instead of ruminating over instances where there was no love at all