Great big secret life announcement happening soonish. Or maybe I’ll just not tell anyone, so that it remains a mysterious secret. Can’t tell anybody about it yet or I’d have to kill you and then my partner and my sister and my all of my good best friends would be implicated in helping me bury the body, which would probably be terrible for them, and also I don’t have any endangered plant species to plant over your grave to make it illegal to dig up your skanky ass decomposing skeleton.

Anyway have fun red string conspiracy theorizing about that one, boys.

This obnoxiously cryptic segment has been brought to you by Martinelli’s Sparkling Apple Juice. They’re not paying me to advertise for their company, I just like this specific beverage, for some reason. It reminds me of apfelschorle, and it sure is sparkly and delicious. Much like cubic zirconia.

Martinelli’s sparkling apple juice can probably be found on sale for $3 at any local dollar store. Please do not break the empty glass bottle and then tumble the broken glass in a sea glass making machine for two to three days because then you would have your very own sea glass, which would be annoying because I fucking love sea glass and I don’t have any and I would be envious of your sea glass. Also breaking glass bottles is a safety hazard for people who persist in wearing open toed shoes even when their lab profs tell them not to do that.

Do not get yourself all scratched up by broken glass from a Martinelli’s bottle. I’d get that Annie Lennox song stuck in my head, which would be the worst, and then I’d have to remember how to do first aid.

Isn’t this sunshine lovely?