In which I touch on politics, again. I keep coming back to this.

As I listen to the impeachment trial in the Senate, on the radio, I am reminded of a handful of things.

I am reminded of what it felt like to live through this experience. As I hear those same audio clips, I am reminded of how violated I felt. How upsetting it was. How I couldn’t stop thinking about the beginning of A Handmaid’s Tale. About how badly I wanted to hear from everyone I loved to make sure they were okay, in case something bad happened to them.

I am reminded of how shaken I was…

I am reminded of all of the time it took my nervous system to even begin to process what it felt like to live through an attempted coup and an incident of domestic terrorism.

I’m reminded of how funny it was for me to realize how much it mattered to me that nothing bad happened to the government of this country when I spend a fair amount if time criticizing her for her flaws.

Like, yeah. Things need to change. But not like this, and not in this direction. Please.

I’m reminded of how much of a shock it was, after the fact, for me to realize how many people could believe something so strongly when it wasn’t true. I am still reeling and trying to process this reality.

They only believe in things so strongly based on what they understand about the world combined with what they are being told.

I had this moment when I realized that – even if my politics are on the complete opposite end of the spectrum – I am also vulnerable to this kind of manipulation.

Witnessing mob extremism from the other side of the spectrum made me seriously take a step back from everything that I believe in, and assess how much of my belief is genuinely accurate and in line with my fundamental values. It made me question those fundamental values. It made me stop and think about how media and social media influence my beliefs. It gave me that much pause.

What happened at the Capitol made me not want to be part of an ideology anymore, even a comparatively sound ideology, because I don’t want to give away my capacity to think critically and disagree with groupthink. I want to hang onto my capacity to think for myself. I need my conscience to be in my own hands, I need my agency to belong to me and not be at the whim of a mass conviction that is not true.

If it could happen to them, it could happen to me, too. If they could be wrong, then I could be wrong, too.

I was so shaken by this moment in history. Shaken. Shook. So fucking shook. It brought out all my skepticism and all of my doubt and all of my uncertainty.

I feel quite proud that after a lot of reflection, not much about what I believe in has changed. There are absolutely some things that need my attention, and that’s clearer to me, now. I’m grateful for the incentive to take some time to reflect, because the path forward is looking clearer than ever, now.

After what happened… if anything, I feel like what I believe in is more important now than it’s ever been.

Things like integrity and acceptance, like thinking about things in context, like knowing how to listen, like a commitment to growth. Compassion, humility, knowing how to walk in somebody else’s shoes, not taking things too personally, recognizing flaws and trying to address them, seeing how the world is deeply flawed and loving it anyway and trying to find a way to heal it…

Those things have value for a world that’s actively dying, for a world that is still unhealed from a deeply traumatic history that’s still playing out.

These things matter.

it’s just taken me a good long while to begin to feel that centered in my convictions and beliefs again.

Like – fuck.

There’s a difference between fighting to overthrow a government in the interest of holding onto power, and fighting for the kind of social change that will help as many people as possible.

Your extreme intolerance is different from my recognition of the need for more equity in the world. Your hunger for power and money and influence is different from my willingness to stand up for social change, my wish to do right by everyone, no matter who they are or where they’re coming from.

There is a difference between right and wrong.

Yes, there is a grey area. No, probably there is never going to be a universal standard of morality that works for everyone. We’re always going to disagree on things. Trying to force things to be otherwise is foolish.

But there are some things that are objectively right and true and just and good

and having an intolerant madman who rejects empirical evidence incite violence and uses mindfuckery to try to stay in power after he was voted out

***was not fucking one of those things.***

This event in history has left a mark on me, and on all of us.

And as we go forward from this moment, I hope we go forward with integrity. I don’t dare to have very much hope about this, at least in terms of what happens in the Senate.

I cherish what little hope I’ve got.

I care about the world that exists around you, all of the ways that it could be doing a better job supporting you through the hardest times. That is a tiny fraction of what I mean when I say that I love you.

I hope you’re feeling okay, and I hope it’s a good night.