It’s getting bad again. It always changes.

These last few days I’ve been struggling under the weight of a long, drawn out, and extraordinarily shitty depressive episode. Today was really bad. I woke up feeling like like I’d been run over by a truck, but in the emotions? I hope that makes sense.

I tried watching Bob Ross videos. I have just discovered that I can watch those on YouTube, because of course I can. They make my heart sing and calm down my brain.

But then I tried to make a painting, and the painting was predictably imperfect, and I felt frustrated and sad. I wish I could write him and ask what to do about feeling sad when you’re not able to make something perfect. I think he would’ve written back.

I tried walking, aaaaand it was really hot and muggy. I stopped and got a cold ice tea with lemonade from the convenience store at the intersection in the middle of town. Driving in the sun with the windows down, drinking iced tea with lemonade, felt sooo nice. It broke through the awfulness of the aching, overwhelming feeling, even just for a moment.

I drove to the pharmacy to pick up the next thing that my doctor says I should try. The woman behind the counter has known me since I was small. I wonder what she thinks of all the different kinds of medicines I’ve tried, of how many times I’ve had to change them in the last couple of months. I don’t know why, but I actually told her about it today. “I’ve been looking for something that helps my brain, but it’s so hard to find something that doesn’t throw everything else out of balance,” I said, very quietly. Even though we were both still wearing masks, I could tell from her body language that she understood. She was very kind about it.

I wonder if all of the things that I go through in this life will make me into someone who is kind. I really hope so.

I’m currently trying to focus on the textures of the surfaces around me, and hold onto those sensation with everything I’ve got. Crocheted blanket, solid teddy bear, linen pillow case, heavy phone under my thumbs.

My biggest fear about all of this is the knowledge that I might wake up tomorrow and not feel able to get up and move around, and maybe I won’t even want to. I’m so frightened of not being able to move through the haze, but I know that it might happen, because it’s happened to me before. And sometimes the only thing to do is give it time, and wait it out.

It’s hard to maintain equilibrium because it takes energy to balance.

This is really hard.

I hope you’re holding up well, but if you’re not, I’m with you.

Take good care. Happy Tuesday.