Things that I want to be:

Grounded, instead of trembling
Competent, instead of flying by the seat of my pants all the time.
More skilled at regulating my feelings, and infinitely more graceful when communicating about them
Connected, instead of attached
Confident, instead of hot and bothered Courageous, instead of frozen
Wise, instead of perpetually confused
Unfuckwithable, instead of delicate
Laughing uproarious, instead of offended
Discerning, instead of judgemental
Capable, instead of fumbling
Comfortable in my own skin
Content, instead of always in pain
Chill, instead of jealous
Patient, instead of restless
Present, instead of distracted
Conscientious, instead of prejudiced
Honest, instead of pathologically not

Soft and warm, instead of carrying this impossible awkwardness that feels like the wall of a glass honey jar between me and the rest of the world

(These binaries are not absolute truths, but they are tools to help me understand.)

And all of this is a little strange.

Because, incidentally, here are some of the things that exist in absolutely everyone I care about, and I don’t really care:

In the people I love, there be tremors, fumbling, fucked up attachment styles, perpetual confusion, impossible awkwardness, harsh judgments, discomfort inside of their skin bags, fragility, a tendency to flee or fight or freeze, hot fucking botheredness, difficulty feeling and talking about feeling, restlessness, entire hidden rooms that never open, impatience, dishonesty, jealousy, insecurity, distraction, and so much constant pain

And I don’t care. I see y’all. I know you, a little. I’m not pretending we aren’t all incredibly messy and fucked up. It’s just that these are not the things which will stop me from wanting to be your friend.

Maybe some of them used to be. But I’m so tired of shutting people out of my life. I’m so tired of thinking of people as disposable because we aren’t.

Please. We have so little time, here. Please remember that you accidently forgot your scarf in my life, and come back for it.


And to be very fair, I think – I think there are times in the course of a life when, in order to stay safe, you have to be a little cold. But I think they’re further and farther between than my mother taught me. I don’t want to be cold anymore.

I’m trying to learn how to love imperfect people, because if I don’t I will never know love. And I’ll never be safe in my own skin, if I don’t learn how to get by with the having of the faults.

It’s easy to say I love you anyway to everyone but myself. I’m trying so hard to learn, but it’s difficult.

I love you in spite of all of the things that are uncomfy. Perhaps even because of them.

I can give you this one gift when I can’t give very much of anything else. It isn’t much, but it’s all that I have.

I hope it’s a very good Thursday.