Took the money from my share of the tip jar at the café this week and spent it on a blanket to keep the snow off the windshield in the winter because scraping ice off that thing is an ordeal. Also got a portable air pump because last time I put air in my tires they were at ~ 20psi and they need to stay closer to 34psi, per the number on the sticker on the inside of the drivers side doorframe, and I only had enough quarters to fix three of them properly before I ran out of time on the machine.
Almost went off the road a couple of times on the eastbound expressway at 10PM tonight because salt doesn’t work well on the ice when the temperature is close to zero degrees Fahrenheit. Did not exceed 45 miles per hour all the way home because the roads were bad, turned the flashers on in an attempt to communicate with other drivers who wouldn’t stop speeding up to drive past me.
If I didn’t have music through my radio as a self soothing coping mechanism, piloting a vehicle would be, ah – worse. I think this stress is more likely to kill me than any kind of collision etc..
Oil was changed recently. Passed inspection last summer. Has fortunately stopped making the noise.
Snow tires would put a large dent in my bank account right now but I think I can technically afford them and not put the balance in the red. If this is what the roads are going to be like this winter it might be worth the money to ameliorate the risk of ending up in a ditch.
It’s one of the only things that I’m actually afriad of, you know? Getting hurt in a car accident, or someone else getting hurt in the same situation. And yet these roads are some of the only things keeping us connected to each other.
“Drive safe,” I tell people.
Deadlifts, squats, bench press, 20 minutes on the bike at the gym resulting in muscle pain that doesn’t go away. Gotta be one of those things because those are the only new things in the routine. Focusing on good form; starting with so little weight that these other people at the gym keep giving me judgemental side eye, at least in my imagination. It would help to cool down and stretch more. Trying not to get hurt for stupid careless reasons like letting the dysmorphia bully me into a major lower back injury.
Missed exactly one dose of medication this weekend and by halfway through the next morning I felt like I wanted to die. This happens pretty much every time I miss a dose of this medication. Pattern recognition usually catches this early and knows how to fix it right away, but a bad night of sleep combined with the seasonal blues meant I couldn’t pinpoint the source of the wanting to die feeling for several hours yesterday morning. I got stuck.
It was embarrassing to have Steve there with me through that. Being witnessed in a gross and pathetically dissociative/discouraged mood is vulnerable in the extreme. Like being walked in on in the bathroom, like being seen with no clothes on, like someone taking an unflattering picture of your face and framing it and putting it up on the wall. But he stayed, and he was steady and calm, and I still don’t really know what to do with that kind of love.
After correcting the dose, the thing that helped me feel better was getting out of the house for a while (the change of set and setting really helped) and then getting back home and eating a plate overflowing with eggplant parm and ravioli with diavalo sauce and mozzarella, and a garlic tuscan roll.
Slept until almost noon today, then gym, then work.