(This is the one day of the year when it feels weirdly socially acceptable to be vocally cranky about relationship status.

This entire post is objectively funny because I’ve just spent like a year or so being awkwardly determined not to be cranky about this thing, for – oh, probably messy complicated horrible personal reasons.

and the thing is – every other day of the year, I am usually mostly content to be single

because it’s honestly kind of the best. I mean, think about it.

Rationally.

(Odd one, when you’re by yourself…)

There’s nobody who’s constantly around to piss you off with all their bizarre, intimate, idiosyncratic human-ness

There’s nobody who needs anything from you that you’re somehow obligated to give to them to keep them happy, or keep them with you

There’s nobody there to get mad at you for having faults when your faults don’t jibe with their own

There isn’t another life’s worth of trauma and baggage and awkwardness wrapped up in your day-to-day existence

There isn’t anyone you have to sacrifice things for. You can put yourself first, take care of yourself, your friendships, your family, channel your energy into things that are important to you

And, just

on this day, of all the arbitrary days, there’s a voice in my heart saying “yes. All those things, yes, sure, okay.

“but just for once – just this one time – wouldn’t it be nice to be held by somebody who loves you, and hold them back because you love them too.”

It hurts, that feeling.

Maybe it’s good to compartmentalize time to just – let it hurt.

Maybe I could have just one day of the year to feel that messy, complicated feeling I don’t let myself feel, consciously, at like any other time, and be present with all that awkward conflicted loneliness.

Maybe.

I really do think it takes vaguely badass levels of confidence – (even if it’s just pretend confidence!! it still counts for something) – to take all the time that you need to be alone, and be present with yourself, and do your own growing. Because goodness, does it get uncomfortable.

And it hurts on days like this,

when the world stops to celebrate the sweet things about partnerships, from the fluff on the wind to the root systems that seem intertwined centuries below the surface

It’s a reminder that it takes a badass level of courage and confidence to learn how to love, too.

(Thank you to Bucket for the validation about posting this today, I needed that)