Five pages by 11:59, on November 30th.

12 point font, double spaced.

Preferably coherent. That is my favorite part. 🙃😒

The intention for this assignment is to demonstrate that I understand a couple of different ideas which I’m not sure if I actually do understand. I get flashes of comprehension, sometimes. Sometimes I can even put them into words.

What if I didn’t understand, correctly? What if I don’t understand this well enough?

And, always, the familiar internal rabbithole that my brain loves to tumble down – why is understanding so fucking difficult? What if there’s something wrong with me?

I’m trying to practice not engaging with those. I don’t know if they’re real or not, but they don’t help. At best, spending energy fighting them is almost as draining as spending energy feeling them. Better to leave them alone.

Once I’ve sort of gotten the ideas written out, there is the difficulty of making sure that all the pieces fit together in a way that makes sense. And sometimes the pieces just – don’t want to go together. Either because of choices I’ve already made, or things I don’t quite understand, or because two of the pieces conflict and I can’t let their edges touch. It’s like working on a jigsaw puzzle, but I made the pieces, I can change their shapes.

Five pages.

Fuck.

I have a folding table set up next to a couch in the living room windows. I have coffee and a cup of water and my tablet. I have all my notes printed off. I’m going to switch gears and try to work through this thing for a bit.

I’ll check back in later.

I hope that this Friday is going okay. 🖤