Go to sleep, they tell me. You’re not doing well. You’re seeing things that aren’t there. You’re not acting like yourself. This is out of character for you. Just get some rest. You’re rambling. You’re not making any sense.

And the unspoken thing: shut up shut up shut UP...

I haven’t eaten enough food in days, because the shapes and colors and textures bother me. I’m not sleeping much – when I do sleep, I’m crashing sometime around dawn, sleeping until late afternoon.

I miss the sunlight. It’s so cold.

Somehow, today, there’s a burst of energy for cleaning. I’m giving away most of my favorite clothes because I don’t like the colors right now. They smell too much like dirty laundry, and it makes me nauseous, so I wash them in the sink with vinegar and soap. In something like a daze, I separate my clothes into two piles – one pile of clothes to keep, one pile to give away. Right now the pile of things to give away is bigger.

I create a new wardrobe from what’s left. Articles of clothing we’ve collected over time. Black and grey and white, mostly. Sometimes a little navy blue, or cranberry. I still haven’t decided about the dark greens or the dark purples.

This moment feels important. Identity formation situation going on.

There’s an closet in my sister’s room, which has been sitting there unused and empty since she left. I use this space to hang up shirts and jackets, sorted and arranged in order on a spectrum from light to dark.

Always used to share clothes with everyone we knew. Shared with the children of the friends of my parents. Worn in hand me downs. Soft and comfortable, falling apart a little.

My hands and feet are numb and cold. My skin feels dry. My joints feel stiff.

I want to be alone.