I have a confidence problem.

Clarification: I have a problem because there is a deep, dark chasm where my confidence should be. I have a lack-of-confidence, and that is a problem because it creates unnecessary stress in my life. One of the manifestations of that stress was the accidental gap year.

I have a lack-of-confidence problem, and I am mostly not sure what to do about it.

This evening, I curled up at the foot of my sister’s bed and asked if she could be a support and she sighed and asked me what was up and I said “I have a lack-of-confidence problem” and she said “SAME” which surprised me because she is the strongest, sassiest, most passionate and comfortable-in-her-own-skin woman that I have ever met in my life. She told me to put on an exterior persona that makes me seem more confident than I actually am, and I laughed because I’m so utterly helpless at pretending to be something I’m not. I am almost sure that the most effective mask I wear is my quiet social-awkwardness.

When I told my sister that I was worried about acting too confident, coming across as too sure of myself, too secure… it was her turn to laugh at me.

“I think you’re safe,” she tells me.

Between the two of us, the best coping mechanism we could come up with in a fifteen minute conversation was essentially “shout positive-sounding things into the void where the confidence should be and listen to the echos and pretend.”

I wonder what it feels like, pretending…

If I had a confident voice, what would I say?

“I have a void where my confidence should be. You know what else I have?

I have a math degree.

I have a math degree because I really, really wanted a math degree.

I have a math degree because working through an algebra problem is one of life’s simple pleasures, for me. It has been for a long time.

I have a math degree because I wanted to push myself outside of my comfort zone in my first two years of college. I wanted to take on something challenging so that I would be pushed into learning new coping skills, discovering new limits inside of myself. I want to be learning and growing, always.

I have a math degree because I went to what seems like hundreds of hours of math lecture. I showed up and took notes and asked questions – lots of questions – and I put in the time outside of class to try to make sense of what was going on. I focused my energy on something and made progress.

I have a math degree because I was curious, and interested, and I wanted to truly understand.

I have a math degree because I wanted to have enough understanding to support students who needed help, because I have empathy and compassion for feeling full of math anxiety and stressed and I have empathy and compassion for folks who are not sure what to do.

I have a math degree because I got an A in every math class that I took in college except for discrete and that was an A- and that’s because I did not do my homework all semester because it seemed easy and I needed to focus on other things that were also important

I have a math degree because I was able to admit that I needed help. I have a math degree because I swallowed a lot of pride.

I have a math degree because I learned how to make mistakes, and not understand, and still not understand, and be some kind of comfortable with that lack of understanding until I had enough understanding to feel competent.

I have a math degree because I am exceptionally stubborn. I was stubborn enough to find endurance, and perseverance, and strength in moments when I was at my most confused and vulnerable. I have a math degree because I was committed to getting through to the end of those two years.

I have a math degree because I have integrity. I asked for help, but I also tried very hard to honor the expectation that the work that I did, and completed, and handed in, was my own work and a fair representation of my own level of understanding.

I have a math degree because I can recognize patterns, and apply abstract concepts to different situations, and ask questions and think through the best thing to try next, and because I …”

Fuck, this is hard.

“I’m smart. I’m not-not intelligent. I am intelligent. I have a good brain.

I have a math degree because I am intelligent.”

Right now –

I am having a confidence problem.

There’s something that I’m not completely understanding, about – me. About my strengths and weaknesses, about where I belong, and what to do and how to foster the skills that I do have. About what I know, and how best to share it. About the kind of person that I want to be.

Not completely understanding is making me extremely uncomfortable.

And yet somehow – I have been uncomfortable with not understanding so many times before that I – at the very least, I understand.

Someday, sometime, I hope that I have grown enough that I know how to feel comfortable with being uncomfortable – comfortable with not understanding.

Someday.