I didn’t have to go to school today. It’s been lovely.

I let myself sleep well into the morning, and I would have gone on sleeping, but my cat kept on insisting that she needed something. She’s nowhere near polite enough not to tell me when she needs things, even when I am asleep.

This morning I’ve been steadily working through my logic homework. We are currently testing for the validity of arguments in system M by direct proof, which is not something I can just sit down and work on in front of the television. Still, I enjoy the way logic makes my brain feel. It’s a bit like algebra, and for the first time in a long time I’m noticing that I miss that feeling. I feel nostalgic for the almost continuous difficulty of not understanding, punctuated by short-lived moments of clarity, followed by more frustrating confusion. Those breif moments of clarity are honestly some of the sweetest, but I think it’s the other stuff that actually helps me to grow.

Because being wrong and confused almost all the time is hard for me. Not being naturally excellent at everytbing is hard for me. And it feels like a defect. It feels like an inflated ego problem, but instead of manifesting as stark overconfidence and superiority, it manifests as a toxic kind of bitterness and self-doubt.

It’s a lonely feeling, because when I’m full of self doubt and bitterness, I’m not sure I like myself very much. And I can’t shake the feeling that it’s hard for the people that I love to like me in the moments when I don’t like myself.

I’m not sure if that’s true, but it feels true, and that makes it heavy.

So I wish I could be humble, because I don’t like the bitterness and the self-doubt and the loneliness. I wish I was more graceful in a state of not knowing. I think that I miss studying mathematics because I miss the experience of having to practice humility even when that wasn’t what I was feeling on the inside. I think that was good for me.

Anyhow. I should probably stop procrastinating and get back to practicing logic things, but apparently I needed to write that one down. Thanks for sometimes reading the things that I write, even and especially when they wind up being oddly personal.

My dad used to say that if I had a question that nobody else was bringing up, I shouldn’t hesitate to speak up ask my question, because there would almost certainly be other people struggling with the same thing. That’s sort of my hope when I write about oddly personal things – I hope I’m not the only one who experiences all this awkward messy imperfect human-ness. I hope there is a connection between my experience and the experiences of a whole host of other human beings.

I hope it’s a beautiful Friday.