Classes begin tomorrow.

For a while in there I was feeling nervous about going back. Ever since I decided to take a gap year, my relationship to being a student has felt different. I feel like I have to work harder than everybody else, since I took so much time away. Even though I was successful in my first semester back, I can’t shake this feeling that I don’t truly belong in the world of academia in the same way that I used to.

So it’s strange, knowing that there are going to be classes again.

I had such a nice break. It didn’t go by too fast, but it didn’t stretch on forever, either. I worked some things out. It isn’t linear, but I feel like I’m giving myself the space that I need for growth to happen. And it’s going to be alright.

Anyway.

I get to take a class about ethics, and another class about how knowledge doesn’t exist. Which is…

…going to bother me, I can feel it.

After about a week of everything being online, I’m stuck having to go on campus for one hour twice a week. I worked very hard to rearrange things so that I could learn online completely, but because of stupid arbitrary parameters reasons, it didn’t work out for me. I think it’s still going to be okay.

Fortunately, perfect attendance is no longer a priority during a pandemic. If I need to take some time and just stay home from this one class I have to take, that door is open. I’ll just have to work a little harder on my own to keep up with things. And working a little harder on my own is something that I know that I can do.

Otherwise, everything is happening through this rectangular blue screen, through a tiny symbol shaped like radio waves. Everything is happening in this chilly, narrow attic room, at a little round table with fake leather chairs. I’ll be studying in my own space, surrounded by rag rugs and crocheted blankets, beeswax candles and dried flowers, and a tabby cat.

I like this space. It could be worse.

I hope to do better in this semester of college than I’ve ever done in my life. It might be tricky, under the circumstances. But if I give things the regular amount of effort under a harder than usual set of circumstances… you can see where that could go.

So I hope to do well. Will do my best, which actually does count for something.

There are a lot of things in the world that deserve that kind of care and attention. I’m not entirely convinced that school is necessarily the one that should get most of my energy in that regard, but also I’m not too far away from being done.

I think that a lot of that energy could do really transformative things if I was able to focus it outwards and send it into this world. I have a only a vague picture of where I want to focus on, specifically. It’s frustrating, to not have that clarity. But it’s getting a little clearer over time.

It starts now, and it goes on unfolding…

Hope it’s been a good day.

🖤