Does it count as procrastination if it’s very intentional?

Anyway. I gave myself the gift of two days off, from studying. And I needed this.

Soo much.

So a good thing happened.

I have walked a little every day for the last nine days. It’s been almost a year since I’ve felt able to do this. I don’t walk fast and I don’t walk far, but I’m walking. A little every day. I walked today and I will walk again tomorrow and every time I come back from walking my mind feels clearer, more centered, calm. They say it takes a certain amount of time to built a habit. And it’s hard when boughts of mental illness keeps disrupting the patterns that I’m trying to build. But every time I’m able to get back up after being knocked down, it’s like… I remember. My body remembers how to remember to walk. And because I remember, it isn’t as hard to settle back into old habits again.

Writing. Walking. These things are old and familiar and they are mine and they’re just two reasons out of hundreds of reasons to stay.

Here are some things I did this week instead of studying:

• Listened to a podcast about how to save the planet
• Watched a George Clooney science fiction movie with my dad
• Ate chocolate ice cream
• Organized my bookshelf and let go of a handful of the ones that someone else might like more than me
• Worked on planning a road trip with the wife, for not this summer but next because planning something for the future gives me so much hope to hold onto
• Thought about campfires
• Watched all the episodes featuring River Song in the eleventh Doctor’s chapter of Doctor Who
• Slept, and had strange dreams about an unfamiliar beach
• Stayed off the Z*ckerberg platforms, for the most part
• Stole strawberries
• Sipped coffee
• Thought about Maslow and child psychology
• Thought about epistemology and ethics and how they are connected
• Put on socks and shoes and went outside and up the driveway and down the road, and took them off and set them aside again when I got home
• And walked every day for nine days.

And it was good.

I also aquired a length of paracord, a space blanket, some duct tape, and a bandana, a rough first aid kit, and some chocolate, and threw everything in a backpack in case I need to go on an adventure.

The problem is that I don’t know where I’d go or if I can ever leave this place. I have to stay and make a lap for a tabby cat in an old not-leather chair and burry my face in her hair and breathe in the smell of dust and honey.

I can’t run away and drive south and sleep in my car and complete all my classes from Georgia. Not for as long as she’s here.

It’s enough of a reason.

I hope it’s a good night.