the smallest things have been tricky for me, today. sitting up in bed, thinking of answers to questions, finishing sentences, swallowing food. I’ve thrown up once, and my chest aches. I didn’t visit campus this afternoon. Case numbers are rising. I’ve been careful to socially distance and I’ve been staying outside as much as possible up till now, but I’m starting to feel this overpowering instinct to just fucking hibernate for a while. Hopefully keep some people safe.

I did accomplish one small walk in the rain. wore three layers of rain jacket and winter coat to keep the weather off, and listened to podcast in order to keep my prefrontal cortex distracted from the thoughts that I’m honestly afraid to be alone with. seriously, if you’re ever hoping to torture me, put me in a sensory deprivation tank, alone, by myself, with my brain. I wouldn’t last five minutes.

left to my own devices, I worry. for so many things. for so much.

so instead, I listened to the last podcast on the left. Three quite nerdy and older-brotherly men with the collective maturity of a nine year old boy chatting about ghosts and true crime and UFO’s and serial killers. I think I found them because of Trista’s found word operation, but I’ve been listening to them for over a year now. Their voices have become familiar and – aaaalmost comforting? Almost. As comforting as your typical gristly & enthusiastic & incredibly nsfw commentary on the intimate details of a serial killing can be.

(they’re all in their approximate thirties, i think, and in the most recent episode two of them genuinely congratulated the other one for finally teaching himself how to cook spaghetti all by himself. which was – very consistent with the vibe)

when i got inside out of the rain I managed a good enough virtual tutoring session for a classmate, today. this is very much an under the table venmo operation, socially distanced and masked out in the cold, or awkwardly screen sharing through a zoom call. I like being self employed. I’m getting paid a bit more per hour. plus my boss says I am absolutely allowed to swear profusely on the job.

and then there was food and television with my mom and dad. This is a thing that we do together, now. we ran out of the first two seasons of twin peaks, so we’ve been watching old episodes of the great british baking show. well into the semifinals, things are becoming stressful. Mary keeps having to remind Paul to be kind.

it’s a good reminder, that one.

I hope it’s an excellent night.