It has been such an objectively ridiculous year to live through. Somewhere along the way… something inside of me got broken, I think. The piece that had always helped me with steadiness was gone.

I felt so alone, and lost, and terrified, and I am still in recovery.

But now… something is different. Shifting. I don’t know how, or when, or why. I think this same stretch of time that left me shaken in so many ways was also a catalyst for another kind of change.

It keeps showing up in unexpected places

It’s hard to put into words.

It’s the way that I walk, the way that I take up space in a room.

It’s the sound of my voice. Louder, clearer. The harmony that is always there. It’s the “I love you” that I can say out loud.

It’s not caring what people think. It’s taking a chance and speaking up for myself, especially when I’m afraid to. It’s not taking shit from anyone.

It’s a touch of defiance. It is knowing that I have a choice.

It’s deciding to let go, and leave.

And it’s also deciding to stay. To keep trying, even when it’s daunting. It’s the decision not to give up, not now, because there is still hope.

It’s daring to think that there might still be love and it’s trying so hard not to cry when I realize that it’s still here, and it never left, and it’s going to be okay.

It is the admission that I have been wrong and probably looked very stupid, that I’ve messed up over and over again and I am most likely going to keep doing this, and that all of those things are so fucking human and that it’s okay and I really do know this

It’s in the moments that I needed to live through in order to even begin to understand, and it’s in all the things that I don’t know yet.

It’s the relief of setting down the weight of a world that I will never be able to heal by myself, even though I want to. And it’s the sensation of lightness I feel after having carried something heavy for too long.

When you set down all of the things that were never yours to carry, you’re better able to carry the things that were always meant to be yours. May you carry them well.

It is perspective. And embarrassment, and confusion, and awkwardness, and lots of swearing as much as possible all the time. It is hilarious coincidence, serendipitous connection, dawning comprehension, and regret.

It’s letting things be what they are, and not trying to force them to be anything else.

It’s… taking myself less seriously. It is relief that this world revolves around the sun, instead of me.

It is hard work, and careful attention to the little things, and wanting to do a good job.

It’s a kiss on the mouth that hasn’t come true yet. It’s the smile I was wearing all day.

It is the laughing. So much laughing. Laughing until my face hurts and my heart aches and there are tears coming out of my eyes. Laughing at myself, and laughing with you, and with him, and it’s awestruck listening and it’s looking up at the stars.

It’s this calm that is there on the outside that helps me stay centered.

It is a very quiet strength, from a grounded place. And it snuck up on me.

I think it’s kind of sexy, tbh.

Something is different.

I hope it’s a good night.