I remember being terrified of telling Steve Rogers that I’d decided not to study abroad. He’d taken the time to write letters of recommendation for my application for the program, which was especially kind of him to do because he’s always very busy. I had a strong application. I was accepted. I’d gotten in. I could have spent my last semester of college on the other side of the world, and it would have been such a lovely and important experience. Steve was proud of me when I told him the application had been accepted.

So when I decided not to leave because I wasn’t ready to do that, I felt like I might have been letting down the people who had helped me apply. I had a chance, and I wasn’t going to take it, and that was embarrassing, but it was what I needed at the time.

“I’m not leaving for South Korea,” I told him. “I’ll still be here next year.” It was late may, and there were flowers growing along the sidewalk.

And his eyes lit up, and he got so quiet and shy, and he said “selfishly, that makes me happy.”

And then there was this moment when he sort of realized what he’d just said, and he turned around and walked away.

I just stood there, wondering if I’d heard him correctly.

I spend a lot of time thinking, hey, if you care about people, you ought to let them leave. Let them fly away and have adventures, even if you’re going to miss them when they’re not here. It seems selfish to tell them that you wish they would stay home. They have an entire life to live, and a lot of that life won’t have you in it, and sometimes that has to be okay. It’s the selfless way.

So I wasn’t at all prepared to hear someone I liked and admired so much back then turn around and say “I know this is selfish but I’m happy that you aren’t leaving.”

That was two years ago, back when he was still off limits.

I still think about that memory all the time.