my mind’s been doing that thing it does, again

when that feeling of knowing that every good, safe, loving connection is real and solid kind of – withers.

I have been spiraling at night, unable to sleep

trying to stay numb during the day

thinking theyhatemetheyhatemetheyhateme

for no good reason

every time any miniscule thing goes wrong during my day.

I am smart enough now to try and maintain a hermeneutic of suspicion

re: the crooked reasoning based on evidence cherry picked to support this one specific conclusion to which the pathways between thoughts and emotions have grown attatched over the years.

why does it do that

why do I do that

for what purpose.

I know that my mind returns to this mood, this place, when I am tired.

and I am tired.

I try to concentrate on the good memories

of everyone. of all of them.

the other familiar mood to which I have been returning lately has to do with, like –

wanting to run away.

wanting to crumple up the paper with the shoddy work in progress with all of the mistakes on it and start over

(even if it was actually rather good.)

this one is more difficult to describe.

no matter how good my life is, I keep thinking –

I could have had a different life.

one where I was slightly more free, or independent, or adventurous, or lonely, or any of the things that I always wanted to be or knew that I was but hadn’t fully gotten around to becoming yet because those things take time and what if I miss out on all of it because of the specific direction that my life appears to be going, now

and is this just what it’s like to be in my 20s?

I try to focus on the things that I like about the way my life is.

I try to remember that there’s time. and I’m not trapped. and none of it’s ever going to stop changing whether I like it or not.

after all this time writing still helps me.