I know I haven’t written much about what happened at the Capitol, since that day. I think this is because I’m still sorting through it and trying to understand.

It seems like many people already know exactly how they feel about what happened, and the case is closed. I sure as hell know how I felt while it was happening. In retrospect I’m finding that I need a little time.

I reject the pressure to know exactly how to feel when things happen in the world around me. I need to do things in my own time.

The most recent wave of social media response – from activist communities, and from friends who are tuned into this kind of this – has been the most emotionally overwhelming social media event since what happened this summer. I guess the outrage in Louisville in the fall is one possible exception.

This kind of emotional surge through social media affects me and my nervous system in a way that is fucking profound.

I physically shake. It gets hard to breathe. It also gets hard to think, and be discerning about what is actually an appropriate way to respond to this.

I know that nothing can “make” me feel a certain way. I know that I am responsible for my own emotions, actions.

But I also know that my human nervous system probably did not evolve to be able to process events in the world that exist on this kind of scale.

So if I’m not careful, this kind of interconnected emotional surge can pick me up and carry me away. It happened this summer, for sure, and I’m still not through with processing what happened to me then.

I am speaking for myself, and nobody else. Comparing my experience to those of other people doesn’t really make sense right now.

But I imagine I’m not the only person who goes through this. I imagine everyone processes that shaken feeling in a different way.

Some people emotionally react in a way that is productive. Hats off to them for the work that they do in the world.

Even though reacting emotionally is almost always my first impulse, I think that when I react emotionally I actually become less useful, to everybody around me.

This time, instead of reacting, instead of speaking out, I’ve been trying to give my nervous system time to adjust. I’ve been trying to give myself room to process before I do anything.

I’m doing more listening than speaking. When I share things online I’ve been trying to share articles from news outlets that I consider to be reputable instead of tweets and opinion pieces.

One of the things I did share was an article from the Guardian comparing the police response to the protests in June to the police response to the attack on the Capitol, in pictures. Photographs. Because it said so much, without saying a word.

Even though there is much about this situation that I can’t control, I have been following updates about this very closely. I get most of my news about this from the Guardian and from NPR.

I do this because I feel a personal responsibility to keep myself relatively well informed and in the loop about this.

This is my effing country and she’s deeply fucked up but I sure as hell care about what happens to her. So I’ll be damned if I don’t want to know how she’s doing.

I want to emphasize that this outlook is not necessarily something that is right for everyone at this time. Taking time to disconnect and rest, taking time to not engage, might actually be the best way, for some of us.

Not engaging with something in any given moment does not equate to not caring. Other voices might say otherwise, but I stand by this with all of my heart.

I see people shaming other people in the comments sections of Instagram posts for asking “wait, what is this about?” I see people yelling at other people for not educating themselves. “Google is right there at your fingertips,” people yell at each other in frustration. And they say other things, worse things, to each other.

There are so many reasons that a person might not know the things that you learned a few hours ago. Taking one’s anger out on people in the comments section on the internet is not actually accomplishing very much. I dare to hold others to that standard.

This is a fundamentally traumatic time. For everyone.

I’m still processing.

I’m one hell of a lucky bastard. I have the luxury of a little time to process things.

And I feel grateful.

I hope that you are processing this in a way that is kind to yourself and to your system. I invite you to check in with yourself, about that thing.

I hope you’re holding up well on this Thursday, and I love you.