Forget the norms of social hierarchy and the traditionally gendered expectations of relationship power dynamics. I hereby declare this household a tyrannical matriarchy, just like my mother before me and her mother before that.

My only subject (except for the cat) laughs and smiles and shakes his head and tells me that this is a strictly egalitarian arrangement.

I think he’s trying to tell me that we’re equals. Disgusting.

As tyrannical martriarch I resent this approach. This is total insubordination and for his crimes he shall be subjected to the punishment of being forced to sit still and listen to me say nice things about him which are so sweet and genuine that he is going to squirm, i.e., “you look nice today,” etc.. He shall also be court marshaled into (a) remembering to eat enough food and (b) going to bed on time. That’ll teach him.

This is a benevolent tyranny, yet his taxes are insanely steep and include picking up enough coffee and groceries for two people instead of one, listening to me sing in the car, and doing his absolute best to comfort me when I’m sad.

I reap the benefits of his willing generosity and then find as many superfluous kind things to do for him as I can think of so that he’s so distracted by being treated well that he doesn’t notice how much I need him. If he found out how much I need him, my only legitimate claim to tyrannical power would crumble and we would end up having to soldier on as equals.

Damn.